Being a single adult is great. Sure, it gets cold at night and you’re one choking accident away from being a funny orbituary, but you don’t really answer to anyone. This is especially true with the PS5 coming out later this year, where really only our bank accounts will stand in the way of getting in on that sweet, next-gen action.
However, for those of us not living the sweet life of videogames and solitude, we may have other parties to consult about getting Sony’s advanced modem. Thankfully, we’ve compiled some pretty solid talking points for your partner to allow the gift of next-gen in your household.
It’s All About The Status, Baby.
OK, hear me out. As is, the PS5 is already selling like hotcakes. Every country is running out of pre-orders, and even Sony has had to address the shortage in a tweet. As anyone who’s watched Mad Max: Fury Roads knows, having a scarcity is simply physical manifestation of your superiority to other people.
To the hypothetical partner, remember: we’re a team. It’s not just my status symbol, it’s our status symbol. Think of all the lame couples who thought of things like “fiscal responsibility” and “sensible consumerism”, and how silly they’ll feel when we post that Instagram selfie of you, me and the 4K-enhanced games on the PS5.
In fact, the PS5 will probably help brag for us. With the PS4, sharing clips to Twitter always ends with the hashtag #PS4Share. The PS5 will probably have something similar, meaning it’s going to be telling our friends that we’re not only an amazing couple that games together, we’re also doing it on the cutting edge of the console industry.
Think of All The Things I Won’t Be Doing
Listen, there’s a lot of games out there. As more and more games move towards live services, they’re all going to be competing for even more of our time. When we get that PS5, I’m probably going to be gaming on it a lot.
You know what that means? No time for drugs, booze, or even cigarettes. After all, that nice white body of the PS5, that’s not gonna keep if it’s constantly near smoke. Alcohol? Devil May Cry 5 Special Edition is going to support up to 120fps. You think I want to style on monsters at that frame rate while drunk?
OK, so you read about the PS5’s launch lineup not being that big. You got me. But you know what else releases with the launch of the PS5? the Playstation Plus Classics lineup, which means I’ll still have a large collection of last-gen games to enjoy on the PS5.
So, sure. I guess all that gaming is probably going to do a number on my eyes, back and or fingers. But unlike those other harmful things we talked about, gaming has one advantage- it’s not like I’m going to be put any lower on a transplant list because I got the Platinum trophy in The Last Of Us 2. Seriously, babe, think about it. There’s practically no downside here.
It’s For Us
I get it, you think that if I get a PS5 I’m going to just shut everyone out while I get pubstomped in CoD. But it doesn’t have to be that way, because the PS5 isn’t the only thing going on sale. We can get a second controller too, so we can play games together!
Think about it, after dinner, we can be that couple that has a first-to-three in Mortal Kombat X to decide who does dishes. All the other couples will see how close we are and mutter “goals…” as they go back to their 30fps-at-best consoles.
Not in the mood to game? You think I’m just trying to teach you Fighting games just so I can feel superior until you get better than me? The PS5 will have streaming apps like Netflix, so we can take a break and watch all our favorite series, too. I mean, I know some Smart TVs have the app installed but look at that remote. Look how uncomfortable and unresponsive those buttons can be. Think about how much easier it will be with the Dualsense ‘s comfy grips.
I’m just saying, babe, think of how good this PS5 is going to be for us.
Now, obviously this list isn’t for everyone. You can’t fully take in the 3D Audio of the PS5 if you haven’t eaten in days, after all. Think about possibly missing some of the haptic feedback because your controller slipped out of your hand due to extreme fatigue.
What I’m saying is, if you’re not going to be able to be your best self for the PS5, maybe getting it late is okay. After all, can you imagine working yourself sick to make the money so you can flex on a first date, and then being so weak you throw up and pass out in front of them? You may not care about getting sick, but think of the PS5.
Now if you excuse me, I need to go practice my self-Heimlich-maneuver.